The More Interaction, The More Potential For Conflict And Drama

I often hear from parents who wonder if something is wrong with them. They are given advice and since they do not believe they can follow the advice, they feel inadequate. Some say they do not feel strong enough.

“There is no greater gift parents can give their children than to love one another.” Someone, somewhere has probably said this to you. How is a mother- for example, supposed to love her ex who abused her children? Let’s be honest here. Most victims of domestic violence will probably not love their abusers or the abusers of their children, in this lifetime. Besides, wouldn’t it be rather inappropriate to love the person who did this? If you love the abuser is this a validation of sorts to a child, that the abuser is not so bad? Does this send a mixed or confusing message to a child, who was beaten in rage by the abuser, yet sees the other parent showing love to the batterer? If you ever sit before a qualified therapist and say you “love” the person who abused your child, the focus will definitely be on you. It can be viewed as abnormal and inappropriate.

“Never give up!” Tell this to parents who have had an adult daughter or son cuss at them and verbally abuse them on a regular basis. Are parents allowed to “give up” if their abusive adult sons and daughters- who were taught to hate them, present a threat to their safety? Can they “give up” if they are assaulted by their adult child because he or she was taught hate? If a parent gives up because their health is deteriorating, or the drama of the custody battle and false allegations is causing illness, is this ok? How about if the adult children tell the parents they do not want them in their lives? As they say, never is a long time…and it is especially a long time to never give up- on what appears to be hopeless circumstances. How can a person who feels emotionally depleted be expected to never once feel like giving up?

There are many general pieces of advice floating around out there. One size does not fit all, though. We must never forget that each family is individual and unique. There may be similarities in our journeys, however, each of us have varying emotional reserves, temperament and energy. No one else can tell you how to go through your journey and what to do or not do. It is up to you. The good news is that you can take the total advice of others, utilize parts of it or toss it. You still make the ultimate decision for what works for you.

Sometimes the drama must come to a screeching halt. Quit playing. The more interaction, the more potential for conflict and drama. How you forgive and move on is a strength that comes from within you. Perhaps it is rooted in faith. It would make sense to believe it is possible to forgive and move on, without loving your child’s other parent.