Friday, October 22, 2010

Is He An Abuser Or An Abuse Expert?

In the past, actor Alec Baldwin unleashed a volcanic tirade on his daughter and supposedly called her a “rotten little pig…rude, thoughtless, little pig.” In the telephone rage, he told her she did not have the brains or decency as a human being and that her mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass. He used continuous profanity at his daughter who was 11 years old at the time. He then threatened her by yelling he was coming to see her and would “straighten your ass out when I see you.” His tone was dangerous and out of control.

This is the same man who is being hailed by some, as a Parental Alienation expert, of sorts. When people want to bring in the “big guns” they bring in Baldwin. They name drop as if association with him increases their popularity and listening audience, and it makes them more qualified and believed. In short, it is as if they somehow feel his name gives them more credibility.

A friend and I recently chatted about how a parent who abuses their child in this way, turns it all around. How does one go from abusing their child to receiving praise, acceptance and being an “expert?” Do you ever wonder how one abuser is seen as scum of the earth for their abuse and another is seen as an authority? For example, it is interesting to ponder why Baldwin is successful in “turning it around” but Mel Gibson fails. After all, Gibson has abuse allegations and other complicated issues in his life, as well. When we think about it, Gibson is a mega-star and to some, a more popular public figure than Baldwin. I don’t know about Gibson, but Baldwin’s approach was probably not “orchestrated”- that’s too strong of a word, but there was probably some degree of planning.

It starts with a huge apology. Baldwin got caught and nothing he can ever say will change this fact. Who knows if or how many other attacks have occurred like this upon his daughter. Who knows what the ex-wife has done in the past – or if she did something to provoke this incident. Because the other parent may have done something harmful, does not make child abuse acceptable. Baldwin was doomed so there was only one thing he really could do….apologize. He did it from the heart….of course, he’s an actor! Next, he learned (or experienced) enough about Parental Alienation to write a book, and became involved with the cause. He faced the world, did some public appearances and released his book. He became a crusader and people felt sorry for him because they identified with his plight.

People continuously make excuses for his behavior- as if he is not an adult. They reason that his anger was really at the ex-wife so the child “got in the way of that.” They blow it off and say he used poor judgment- after all, we all get angry. They say the courts made him do it which results in playing a huge sympathy card. They say it has been “taken out of context.” They even go so far as to call his antics “discipline.” They blame the child- it’s her fault. They consider the child’s age at the time and reflect upon how they themselves, talk to their teenager. After all, an 11 year old is “almost” a teenager and that is a turbulent time. Let’s get real…how relevant is age when we’re talking abuse? Since the eruption, Baldwin appears invested, dedicated and concerned. He seems humbled. The passing of time has helped. Oh, and it also helps to be a celebrity.

Most parents will tell you that in all of their parenting years- and even after the separation or divorce, it never occurred to them to call their child such degrading names. Let alone, act on it. There is usually a line of human decency. It may be invisible but instinctively, we are aware of its marker. If we have any conscience whatsoever, living with the fact we said such vulgar things to a daughter or son would be tough. The best designer suit, the most suave appearance, and the celebrity status will not really change who we are in our hearts and as human beings. Emmy award winners are not exempt from committing child abuse. Baldwin can practically undo his despicable behavior. Almost. Unfortunately, there is one thing that cannot be erased and that is the echo of his damaging words in his daughter’s memory.

We are going to make mistakes. There are no perfect parents, whether it is Baldwin, a therapist with a Ph.D or you and me. Still, we do not have a green light to abuse, even when there is unfairness in the courts, intense frustration and the ex provokes us. No matter how hard we may try to shift the focus from ourselves to the courts and how unfair we have been treated, we own our behavior. No one else is responsible or to blame for it.

We are either against child abuse or for it. One cannot partially abuse. There is no gray area or in-between, in the crime of child abuse. Effective, proper parenting requires adults to act like, and be, adults. Abuse is not discipline, any more than it is love…not by any stretch of the imagination. Call an abuser, an abuser. If we cannot do this, perhaps we are not fully, completely, protecting our children with every fiber of our being.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Case Against CASA

http://nccpr.info/the-case-against-casa/

Friday, September 24, 2010

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Wish to file a complaint against a Judge?

State Judge Unethical Misconduct Complaints
Where to file in each state - free of charge

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/misconduct.php

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

FERPA - Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act

With a new school year underway, it is crucial that parents and families read this. FERPA gives parents certain rights with respect to their children's educational records.

http://www2.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/index.html

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Alex's Lemonade Stand

http://www.alexslemonade.org/

Alex's Lemonade Stand

Why mention this on a website regarding Parental Alienation? It shows the magnitude and strength of a child's desire and dreams. It is an organization that helps suffering children who are in pain. Children of Parental Abduction and Parental Alienation are also in pain...a perhaps, different kind of pain. It is still pain though, and children should not hurt. Incredible organization....doing amazing things for children! Please support. Thanks.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

You are invited...!

http://familypreservationfestival2010.yolasite.com/
Friday July 23, 2010 to Sunday, July 25, 2010

Monday, July 12, 2010

A closer look at Parental Alienation

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/WFive/20091106/w5_divorce_091107/

This video is helpful in explaining Parental Alienation and its dynamics. It is well worth the watch.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Remembering Juliette Gilbert today on the 3rd anniversary of her death...

Friday, June 11, 2010

FYI

The Long-Term Effects of Parental Alienation on Adult Children: A Qualitative Research Study

http://www.f4j.com/fileadmin/user_upload/News_Articles/Effects_of_Parental_Alienation.pdf

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The More Interaction, The More Potential For Conflict And Drama

I often hear from parents who wonder if something is wrong with them. They are given advice and since they do not believe they can follow the advice, they feel inadequate. Some say they do not feel strong enough.

“There is no greater gift parents can give their children than to love one another.” Someone, somewhere has probably said this to you. How is a mother- for example, supposed to love her ex who abused her children? Let’s be honest here. Most victims of domestic violence will probably not love their abusers or the abusers of their children, in this lifetime. Besides, wouldn’t it be rather inappropriate to love the person who did this? If you love the abuser is this a validation of sorts to a child, that the abuser is not so bad? Does this send a mixed or confusing message to a child, who was beaten in rage by the abuser, yet sees the other parent showing love to the batterer? If you ever sit before a qualified therapist and say you “love” the person who abused your child, the focus will definitely be on you. It can be viewed as abnormal and inappropriate.

“Never give up!” Tell this to parents who have had an adult daughter or son cuss at them and verbally abuse them on a regular basis. Are parents allowed to “give up” if their abusive adult sons and daughters- who were taught to hate them, present a threat to their safety? Can they “give up” if they are assaulted by their adult child because he or she was taught hate? If a parent gives up because their health is deteriorating, or the drama of the custody battle and false allegations is causing illness, is this ok? How about if the adult children tell the parents they do not want them in their lives? As they say, never is a long time…and it is especially a long time to never give up- on what appears to be hopeless circumstances. How can a person who feels emotionally depleted be expected to never once feel like giving up?

There are many general pieces of advice floating around out there. One size does not fit all, though. We must never forget that each family is individual and unique. There may be similarities in our journeys, however, each of us have varying emotional reserves, temperament and energy. No one else can tell you how to go through your journey and what to do or not do. It is up to you. The good news is that you can take the total advice of others, utilize parts of it or toss it. You still make the ultimate decision for what works for you.

Sometimes the drama must come to a screeching halt. Quit playing. The more interaction, the more potential for conflict and drama. How you forgive and move on is a strength that comes from within you. Perhaps it is rooted in faith. It would make sense to believe it is possible to forgive and move on, without loving your child’s other parent.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Negative and the Positive...

People call it P.A. Whether its meaning refers to Parental Abduction or Parental Alienation, the two issues can correlate. They cause harm to children and destroy families.

While it is true that Parental Alienation is the ultimate hate crime and is child abuse, there are things learned. Many of the following scenarios are common dynamics of high-conflict child custody games and drama.

1. You can be set up and you can be provoked. Accept that people will stoop this low.

2. The alienator would love for you to just try to get past him or her to see your children. He will call the police and have you arrested…even if he is the one who has violated the court order. Often, the police do not want involved and will tell you to resolve the issue in Family Court. It is the hostile parent’s dream to make you look unstable. If you are arrested, he will waste no time telling others you are “crazy.” He will especially tell your children.

3. Tape recorders are sometimes utilized during phone conversations.

4. Others may resort to hurting your family members…if it will hurt you. You know if you are the target.

5. The slightest response from you only adds fuel to the fire and continues the game. There are times that silence is golden.

6. In some situations, mothers will obtain custody of their daughter’s children and do a character assassination of their daughter. The problem with playing “mommy” to your grandchildren is that you will not have the opportunity to be in the role of grandma. This also denies the children the honor of knowing you as “grandma.” Grandparents are angels on this earth!

7. If you fear false allegations or what “they” will concoct next, do not put yourself through the stress. If you are afraid to see your grandchild for fear of being falsely accused of something, you must remember to protect yourself. To some, this unfortunately, means not having a relationship with grandchildren from an alienated daughter or son. Yes, it is excruciating…

8. They will tell you they want to work with you. Believe it when you see it.

9. Some adult children assume the roles of their abusers. It is their goal to follow in the abuser’s footsteps. They view it as being powerful and in control. So now, instead of “the battle” being with the ex, it is with the adult children. Nowhere is it written that you have to tolerate abuse from anyone on this earth.

10. Your alienated adult child will tell people about you. Your daughter or son will speak of you with so much information that others will think you saw one another last week. In reality, it may have been 30+ years since you saw one another. The adult child is merely repeating what he or she was told…not something he or she has learned from direct contact with you.

11. Do not sleep with your ex to achieve contact with your child. When your child sees you in the bedroom or upon awakening in the morning- and then has to say good-bye, it sends a confusing, painful, mixed message.

12. Family members will openly post negative things about you on Internet networking sites. It may be something your child reads which will cause harm. Their harassment and lies are not worthy of your time, energy and response.

So goes the game…


Some things to remember:

1. You can love from a distance. You can love your adult children with a boundary in place for your safety. You can pray for them. They are still your children, regardless of the circumstances.

2. You may need to alter your interpretation of “your family.” Unfortunately, not everyone can be involved in your close family if there is risk to you or other family members.

3. Although it is not fun being the bearer of bad news and harsh reality, not all children magically awaken one day and no longer hate. It can require therapy and years of hard work….to diminish the long term effects the alienation caused.

4. In order to move on, most victims need to accept that they were manipulated and they need to confront the dynamics and process of how this was done. To some, it means confronting the fact that their entire childhoods were comprised of lies. Even when this happens, some adult children continue to remain loyal to their abusers.

5. Parents who tell you this is all about your children “coming home” or returning, or who lay guilt on you because you do not see your adult children, probably have never had their adult children cuss at them, stalk them, harass them, be violent and/or put their families at risk. Talk is cheap…let their actions speak to you.

6. You cannot have control over what others choose to do to you, but you can control what you will tolerate. If you do not want to play the game, the good news is that you can just stop playing! Do not be one who has a stroke or heart attack or who dies from the stress. Stress is a killer.

7. Do not participate in alienation or plans for abduction, period. Tell an alienator that their behavior is bizarre and insane. Your silence only condones it. Refuse to participate.

8. There are some people whom you will never be able to “convince” of the truth so stop trying. Often, when God and you know the truth…it is all that matters.

If possible, children deserve quality relationships with both, stable, fit parents. Remember too, that no matter how much you hate your ex, when you look at your child…you are looking at the best of the other parent. You got the best!