I often hear from parents who wonder if something is wrong with them. They are given advice and since they do not believe they can follow the advice, they feel inadequate. Some say they do not feel strong enough.
“There is no greater gift parents can give their children than to love one another.” Someone, somewhere has probably said this to you. How is a mother- for example, supposed to love her ex who abused her children? Let’s be honest here. Most victims of domestic violence will probably not love their abusers or the abusers of their children, in this lifetime. Besides, wouldn’t it be rather inappropriate to love the person who did this? If you love the abuser is this a validation of sorts to a child, that the abuser is not so bad? Does this send a mixed or confusing message to a child, who was beaten in rage by the abuser, yet sees the other parent showing love to the batterer? If you ever sit before a qualified therapist and say you “love” the person who abused your child, the focus will definitely be on you. It can be viewed as abnormal and inappropriate.
“Never give up!” Tell this to parents who have had an adult daughter or son cuss at them and verbally abuse them on a regular basis. Are parents allowed to “give up” if their abusive adult sons and daughters- who were taught to hate them, present a threat to their safety? Can they “give up” if they are assaulted by their adult child because he or she was taught hate? If a parent gives up because their health is deteriorating, or the drama of the custody battle and false allegations is causing illness, is this ok? How about if the adult children tell the parents they do not want them in their lives? As they say, never is a long time…and it is especially a long time to never give up- on what appears to be hopeless circumstances. How can a person who feels emotionally depleted be expected to never once feel like giving up?
There are many general pieces of advice floating around out there. One size does not fit all, though. We must never forget that each family is individual and unique. There may be similarities in our journeys, however, each of us have varying emotional reserves, temperament and energy. No one else can tell you how to go through your journey and what to do or not do. It is up to you. The good news is that you can take the total advice of others, utilize parts of it or toss it. You still make the ultimate decision for what works for you.
Sometimes the drama must come to a screeching halt. Quit playing. The more interaction, the more potential for conflict and drama. How you forgive and move on is a strength that comes from within you. Perhaps it is rooted in faith. It would make sense to believe it is possible to forgive and move on, without loving your child’s other parent.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The Negative and the Positive...
People call it P.A. Whether its meaning refers to Parental Abduction or Parental Alienation, the two issues can correlate. They cause harm to children and destroy families.
While it is true that Parental Alienation is the ultimate hate crime and is child abuse, there are things learned. Many of the following scenarios are common dynamics of high-conflict child custody games and drama.
1. You can be set up and you can be provoked. Accept that people will stoop this low.
2. The alienator would love for you to just try to get past him or her to see your children. He will call the police and have you arrested…even if he is the one who has violated the court order. Often, the police do not want involved and will tell you to resolve the issue in Family Court. It is the hostile parent’s dream to make you look unstable. If you are arrested, he will waste no time telling others you are “crazy.” He will especially tell your children.
3. Tape recorders are sometimes utilized during phone conversations.
4. Others may resort to hurting your family members…if it will hurt you. You know if you are the target.
5. The slightest response from you only adds fuel to the fire and continues the game. There are times that silence is golden.
6. In some situations, mothers will obtain custody of their daughter’s children and do a character assassination of their daughter. The problem with playing “mommy” to your grandchildren is that you will not have the opportunity to be in the role of grandma. This also denies the children the honor of knowing you as “grandma.” Grandparents are angels on this earth!
7. If you fear false allegations or what “they” will concoct next, do not put yourself through the stress. If you are afraid to see your grandchild for fear of being falsely accused of something, you must remember to protect yourself. To some, this unfortunately, means not having a relationship with grandchildren from an alienated daughter or son. Yes, it is excruciating…
8. They will tell you they want to work with you. Believe it when you see it.
9. Some adult children assume the roles of their abusers. It is their goal to follow in the abuser’s footsteps. They view it as being powerful and in control. So now, instead of “the battle” being with the ex, it is with the adult children. Nowhere is it written that you have to tolerate abuse from anyone on this earth.
10. Your alienated adult child will tell people about you. Your daughter or son will speak of you with so much information that others will think you saw one another last week. In reality, it may have been 30+ years since you saw one another. The adult child is merely repeating what he or she was told…not something he or she has learned from direct contact with you.
11. Do not sleep with your ex to achieve contact with your child. When your child sees you in the bedroom or upon awakening in the morning- and then has to say good-bye, it sends a confusing, painful, mixed message.
12. Family members will openly post negative things about you on Internet networking sites. It may be something your child reads which will cause harm. Their harassment and lies are not worthy of your time, energy and response.
So goes the game…
Some things to remember:
1. You can love from a distance. You can love your adult children with a boundary in place for your safety. You can pray for them. They are still your children, regardless of the circumstances.
2. You may need to alter your interpretation of “your family.” Unfortunately, not everyone can be involved in your close family if there is risk to you or other family members.
3. Although it is not fun being the bearer of bad news and harsh reality, not all children magically awaken one day and no longer hate. It can require therapy and years of hard work….to diminish the long term effects the alienation caused.
4. In order to move on, most victims need to accept that they were manipulated and they need to confront the dynamics and process of how this was done. To some, it means confronting the fact that their entire childhoods were comprised of lies. Even when this happens, some adult children continue to remain loyal to their abusers.
5. Parents who tell you this is all about your children “coming home” or returning, or who lay guilt on you because you do not see your adult children, probably have never had their adult children cuss at them, stalk them, harass them, be violent and/or put their families at risk. Talk is cheap…let their actions speak to you.
6. You cannot have control over what others choose to do to you, but you can control what you will tolerate. If you do not want to play the game, the good news is that you can just stop playing! Do not be one who has a stroke or heart attack or who dies from the stress. Stress is a killer.
7. Do not participate in alienation or plans for abduction, period. Tell an alienator that their behavior is bizarre and insane. Your silence only condones it. Refuse to participate.
8. There are some people whom you will never be able to “convince” of the truth so stop trying. Often, when God and you know the truth…it is all that matters.
If possible, children deserve quality relationships with both, stable, fit parents. Remember too, that no matter how much you hate your ex, when you look at your child…you are looking at the best of the other parent. You got the best!
While it is true that Parental Alienation is the ultimate hate crime and is child abuse, there are things learned. Many of the following scenarios are common dynamics of high-conflict child custody games and drama.
1. You can be set up and you can be provoked. Accept that people will stoop this low.
2. The alienator would love for you to just try to get past him or her to see your children. He will call the police and have you arrested…even if he is the one who has violated the court order. Often, the police do not want involved and will tell you to resolve the issue in Family Court. It is the hostile parent’s dream to make you look unstable. If you are arrested, he will waste no time telling others you are “crazy.” He will especially tell your children.
3. Tape recorders are sometimes utilized during phone conversations.
4. Others may resort to hurting your family members…if it will hurt you. You know if you are the target.
5. The slightest response from you only adds fuel to the fire and continues the game. There are times that silence is golden.
6. In some situations, mothers will obtain custody of their daughter’s children and do a character assassination of their daughter. The problem with playing “mommy” to your grandchildren is that you will not have the opportunity to be in the role of grandma. This also denies the children the honor of knowing you as “grandma.” Grandparents are angels on this earth!
7. If you fear false allegations or what “they” will concoct next, do not put yourself through the stress. If you are afraid to see your grandchild for fear of being falsely accused of something, you must remember to protect yourself. To some, this unfortunately, means not having a relationship with grandchildren from an alienated daughter or son. Yes, it is excruciating…
8. They will tell you they want to work with you. Believe it when you see it.
9. Some adult children assume the roles of their abusers. It is their goal to follow in the abuser’s footsteps. They view it as being powerful and in control. So now, instead of “the battle” being with the ex, it is with the adult children. Nowhere is it written that you have to tolerate abuse from anyone on this earth.
10. Your alienated adult child will tell people about you. Your daughter or son will speak of you with so much information that others will think you saw one another last week. In reality, it may have been 30+ years since you saw one another. The adult child is merely repeating what he or she was told…not something he or she has learned from direct contact with you.
11. Do not sleep with your ex to achieve contact with your child. When your child sees you in the bedroom or upon awakening in the morning- and then has to say good-bye, it sends a confusing, painful, mixed message.
12. Family members will openly post negative things about you on Internet networking sites. It may be something your child reads which will cause harm. Their harassment and lies are not worthy of your time, energy and response.
So goes the game…
Some things to remember:
1. You can love from a distance. You can love your adult children with a boundary in place for your safety. You can pray for them. They are still your children, regardless of the circumstances.
2. You may need to alter your interpretation of “your family.” Unfortunately, not everyone can be involved in your close family if there is risk to you or other family members.
3. Although it is not fun being the bearer of bad news and harsh reality, not all children magically awaken one day and no longer hate. It can require therapy and years of hard work….to diminish the long term effects the alienation caused.
4. In order to move on, most victims need to accept that they were manipulated and they need to confront the dynamics and process of how this was done. To some, it means confronting the fact that their entire childhoods were comprised of lies. Even when this happens, some adult children continue to remain loyal to their abusers.
5. Parents who tell you this is all about your children “coming home” or returning, or who lay guilt on you because you do not see your adult children, probably have never had their adult children cuss at them, stalk them, harass them, be violent and/or put their families at risk. Talk is cheap…let their actions speak to you.
6. You cannot have control over what others choose to do to you, but you can control what you will tolerate. If you do not want to play the game, the good news is that you can just stop playing! Do not be one who has a stroke or heart attack or who dies from the stress. Stress is a killer.
7. Do not participate in alienation or plans for abduction, period. Tell an alienator that their behavior is bizarre and insane. Your silence only condones it. Refuse to participate.
8. There are some people whom you will never be able to “convince” of the truth so stop trying. Often, when God and you know the truth…it is all that matters.
If possible, children deserve quality relationships with both, stable, fit parents. Remember too, that no matter how much you hate your ex, when you look at your child…you are looking at the best of the other parent. You got the best!
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