Is He An Abuser Or An Abuse Expert?

In the past, actor Alec Baldwin unleashed a volcanic tirade on his daughter and supposedly called her a “rotten little pig…rude, thoughtless, little pig.” In the telephone rage, he told her she did not have the brains or decency as a human being and that her mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass. He used continuous profanity at his daughter who was 11 years old at the time. He then threatened her by yelling he was coming to see her and would “straighten your ass out when I see you.” His tone was dangerous and out of control.

This is the same man who is being hailed by some, as a Parental Alienation expert, of sorts. When people want to bring in the “big guns” they bring in Baldwin. They name drop as if association with him increases their popularity and listening audience, and it makes them more qualified and believed. In short, it is as if they somehow feel his name gives them more credibility.

A friend and I recently chatted about how a parent who abuses their child in this way, turns it all around. How does one go from abusing their child to receiving praise, acceptance and being an “expert?” Do you ever wonder how one abuser is seen as scum of the earth for their abuse and another is seen as an authority? For example, it is interesting to ponder why Baldwin is successful in “turning it around” but Mel Gibson fails. After all, Gibson has abuse allegations and other complicated issues in his life, as well. When we think about it, Gibson is a mega-star and to some, a more popular public figure than Baldwin. I don’t know about Gibson, but Baldwin’s approach was probably not “orchestrated”- that’s too strong of a word, but there was probably some degree of planning.

It starts with a huge apology. Baldwin got caught and nothing he can ever say will change this fact. Who knows if or how many other attacks have occurred like this upon his daughter. Who knows what the ex-wife has done in the past – or if she did something to provoke this incident. Because the other parent may have done something harmful, does not make child abuse acceptable. Baldwin was doomed so there was only one thing he really could do….apologize. He did it from the heart….of course, he’s an actor! Next, he learned (or experienced) enough about Parental Alienation to write a book, and became involved with the cause. He faced the world, did some public appearances and released his book. He became a crusader and people felt sorry for him because they identified with his plight.

People continuously make excuses for his behavior- as if he is not an adult. They reason that his anger was really at the ex-wife so the child “got in the way of that.” They blow it off and say he used poor judgment- after all, we all get angry. They say the courts made him do it which results in playing a huge sympathy card. They say it has been “taken out of context.” They even go so far as to call his antics “discipline.” They blame the child- it’s her fault. They consider the child’s age at the time and reflect upon how they themselves, talk to their teenager. After all, an 11 year old is “almost” a teenager and that is a turbulent time. Let’s get real…how relevant is age when we’re talking abuse? Since the eruption, Baldwin appears invested, dedicated and concerned. He seems humbled. The passing of time has helped. Oh, and it also helps to be a celebrity.

Most parents will tell you that in all of their parenting years- and even after the separation or divorce, it never occurred to them to call their child such degrading names. Let alone, act on it. There is usually a line of human decency. It may be invisible but instinctively, we are aware of its marker. If we have any conscience whatsoever, living with the fact we said such vulgar things to a daughter or son would be tough. The best designer suit, the most suave appearance, and the celebrity status will not really change who we are in our hearts and as human beings. Emmy award winners are not exempt from committing child abuse. Baldwin can practically undo his despicable behavior. Almost. Unfortunately, there is one thing that cannot be erased and that is the echo of his damaging words in his daughter’s memory.

We are going to make mistakes. There are no perfect parents, whether it is Baldwin, a therapist with a Ph.D or you and me. Still, we do not have a green light to abuse, even when there is unfairness in the courts, intense frustration and the ex provokes us. No matter how hard we may try to shift the focus from ourselves to the courts and how unfair we have been treated, we own our behavior. No one else is responsible or to blame for it.

We are either against child abuse or for it. One cannot partially abuse. There is no gray area or in-between, in the crime of child abuse. Effective, proper parenting requires adults to act like, and be, adults. Abuse is not discipline, any more than it is love…not by any stretch of the imagination. Call an abuser, an abuser. If we cannot do this, perhaps we are not fully, completely, protecting our children with every fiber of our being.