Thoughts To Ponder

Letter to Juliette Gilbert on the 4th Anniversary of Her Death

2011-06-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Juliette,

Today is the 4 year anniversary of your death.

So many lives have been impacted by your life and death. You certainly have taught us well. In a society that demands we never give up and that we keep fighting for our children, you gave us another slant. No loving, nurturing parent really “gives up” on their child. However, there may come a time when we are emotionally drained or a better term would be, that we are “emotionally bankrupt.” Sometimes the fight is too much. How many times I have told parents this...and it is because of you, dear friend.

In a typical week, people from many countries seek out your name on the Internet. They land right here! These people are from the U.S. the Philippines, Brazil, Russia, Canada, U.K. Australia, Venezuela, New Zealand, Turkey, Taiwan, South Africa, Japan, France, Germany, Pakistan and many other locations. They may be curious, seeking answers, fearful or frustrated with their own situations.

Shame on any Domestic Violence Counselor who judged you and did not believe you. I later learned from your friends and colleagues that you had asked for help much longer than a year and a half before you left the U.S. with your son. Shame on a court system that would not allow your son to send you a Mother's Day card. Shame on those who instructed you to jump through every legal hoop with the false hope or “dangled carrot” you would see your son again. 2 years and 2 months later, you were still waiting...in agony and grief. Why weren't you and your son allowed to see one another, in a supervised, monitored setting? I think of this often and how many people who were supposed to help, failed your son and you. Why didn't they take positive steps to incorporate you back into your son's life? He must have missed you so.

Because of you Juliette, we take notice. We educate more, love one another deeper and realize every person- regardless of who he or she is, has a “breaking point.” Sometimes, people can just be pushed too far. People now check their own behaviors to ensure they are not contributing in some way, to the alienation of a child. They are more aware if they are beginning to experience emotional exhaustion, depression and a host of other health related matters.

The one major thing I hope people remember about you- which I am sure they know now, is that you were not really the “Fugitive Mom.” You were simply a mom who loved her child. Who would risk her own freedom to protect him. Who acted after so many “professionals” let you down. The harsh, notoriety and spotlight were not you because you were too gentle, nurturing and loving. The public Juliette who was diced to bits was so different from the genuine mother who read her son bedtime stories and had hopes and dreams any mother would harbor.

After your death, I received a disturbing email. The “therapist” told me had I “taught” mothers to not build their whole lives around their children, perhaps your death would not have happened. First, I hope this “therapist” never counsels anyone in my family. Second, I hope she has learned that our pre-natal history, labor, delivery and maternal love is not something to be “taught”- it is Mother Nature at its finest. We cannot turn it off and on like a light switch. If we love our children with everything in us, how could we not build our world around them? None of us truly know what happened in your last few seconds of life Juliette, but God knew you lived and died loving your son. After all, He chose you to be this child's mother. He understood your pain and I have no doubt He embraced you.

Your life and death affected many people in positive ways. You have given us the finest education. In a world where people doubted and judged you, I believed you. We only wanted our children to be free from abuse. We certainly never aspired to be Super Heroes, Superstars or household names, did we? Being moms and being in the lives of our children was all we ever wanted.

Would You Know What To Do?

2011-04-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

You are on a social networking site and a distraught person posts that she is about to commit suicide. What would you do?

When this recently occurred, I was astounded by the people who did not know what to do. People posted to one another asking if anyone knew the mother, her whereabouts or location, if it was a hoax, on-lookers wanted to know who was friends with the person, people kept checking her networking page and one person even suggested calling “the Embassy.” (since the person who begged for help for this woman was from outside the U.S.) A few people mentioned calling 9-1-1 but kept batting the idea back and forth- expecting the other person to do it. One person even erupted with…"what is wrong with you people?"

From 30 years of being in the Social Work profession and extensive Crisis Management education, I will share that any threat of suicide is to be taken seriously. Time is of the essence. Every second, literally counts. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I was not on this woman’s “Friends List,” however, someone mentioned the city in which she resides. One posting asked if there is someone who could visit the mother-who resides in her city or near-by so she could have support and know someone cares. If she took a multitude of drugs- as stated, it is probable she would be transported to a medical facility where her stomach may need to be pumped and/or other medical care can be provided, she can be assessed and obtain counseling. While I was on the phone with the police in her city, it was a fast conversation. As I mentioned, time is critical and the clock is ticking. I held on the phone for awhile- as requested by police, and the police also called me back. They eventually located the woman and went to her home. She is going to be ok. The police were eventually “bombarded” with calls, as I was told.

In the aftermath, the mother’s friend who begged for help for her has since “apologized” to her for “over-reacting.” This is absurd. An apology was not owed and no one “over-reacted.” The response to be concerned and contact authorities was proper and appropriate. How could she post something saying she would be dead tomorrow and NOT expect people to do something? I would much rather be embarrassed or accused of “over-reacting” than to do nothing and risk a friend’s death. This, my friends, would be difficult to live with for the rest of my life.

The mother says she is “ok.” She is not ok. This was a plea for help and hopefully, a major wake-up call. I hope she gets the help she so desperately needs. I also hope she is thanking God for so many who care.

Today is Parental Alienation Awareness Day

2011-04-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

I am excited for the progress we are making in regard to increased awareness and education of Parental Alienation. I am encouraged that parents are sharing their personal stories about alienation, so others can learn. Today, I extend a huge thank-you to the volunteers throughout the world, who are out in their communities- not just today, but everyday! I also wish to give a huge shout-out of praise to the now adult daughters and sons who are speaking out about what the horror of the Parental Alienation journey was really like. Please...never stop teaching us! We hear you. They give all of us inspiration and hope. It takes tremendous courage to speak about such a painful experience. All of you are making such a difference!

When I was forced to live my nightmare- which began in the early 1980’s, we did not have a name for the alienation. We only knew the alienating parent was teaching the child to not only hate, but to participate in the game, by making false allegations. It can be incomprehensible that a person we created a human life with, is capable of such a despicable thing. Fortunately, we now have not only a name for this disturbing issue, but we can understand the signs/symptoms, stages and long term effects. Still today, I weep. I grieve for the lost holidays and the years, children and their parents, will never be able to recoup. Unfortunately, revengeful, manipulative parents with mental health issues continue to abuse their children with this ultimate hate crime. They live to teach their child to hate the other, targeted parent.- to literally strip their child of his or her maternal or paternal feelings and human rights. They relentlessly chip away at the very core of the child they claim to love. These alienators are child abusers who believe they are above the law. The day will come when they will learn they are wrong. It is important to remember the old saying…you can’t fix stupid. Or, as I always say…you cannot reason with a crazy person.

Alienation of a child from a parent- or half of their heritage, is not done by only parents. Former in-laws and other extended family members do it too. There is sometimes, no known basis or cause for their rage. Sometimes, people participate in the game, who do not even know the family well at all- such as neighbors. It often requires several people invested in the game, to instill the hatred and damage the child. The players “feed” off of each other to help the turmoil gain momentum and keep it alive. They repeatedly discuss the latest antics, alienation strategies and the targeted parent’s painful reaction…all in front of the child. Some children are forced by the abuser, to go into therapists and make false allegations- such as the targeted parent molested them. Children can be subjected to this abuse throughout their entire childhoods.

A child is not taught to hate only a parent. Grandparents or anyone/everyone on the entire maternal or paternal side of the child’s family can be targets. Grandparents are estranged from their grandchildren with little, if any, legal rights in many states.

People will be giving Parental Alienation the healthy focus it deserves today. Today is for the precious children - many of whom, have had their hearts crushed. Their God-given, gentle spirits have been hardened by an often psychotic, irrational parent who demands control. They have been manipulated and coerced. They are weapons- pawns in a sick game by disturbed individuals. Alienators are incapable of love and healthy relationships. The alienators know no boundaries to their hate and have no conscience. They are in their realm when they pass the hate onto their children….it feels good. Some have referred to it as a sort of “high" as they feel they are “winning.” They believe they are “feared.” Alienators believe the loss of the child and the child’s hatred will be the “pay back” the targeted parent deserves. For whatever twisted reason. As the child enters adulthood, the alienator “passes the baton”- so to speak, so the daughter or son can “carry on” the hate. This can be passed into the next generation and the next. There is nothing loving about this. It is not love- it is clearly child abuse. Sadly, in severe cases, many of these now adult children never quite return to the innocence, and gentle-spiritness that once dwelled in their souls. Yes, effects can be life long and permanent. They also may never return to the loving, nurturing parent they were taught to hate. In fact, they spend their entire adult lives spewing this hate and refusing counseling/therapy. Then, there are those who find their way back home from the insanity...

On Parental Alienation Awareness Day 2011, I ask you to take a vow. Promise that you will never, ever participate in the dynamics of alienation. This involves refusing to do the following: repeat gossip, create drama, openly taking sides, perpetuating the hate to escalate the anger of the alienator, making confrontative comments to the alienator like, “bring it on!” and speaking badly of the targeted parent- whether directly or indirectly, to the child. If you see or hear a parent alienating a child from his mom or dad, step up to the plate and call the alienator on it! Tell her or him their behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable and refuse to be involved. Learn everything you can about all types of alienation. Do not encourage the parental abduction of children. It takes a courageous person to stand up for a child…you can do it! Each person has a role and yours can be a positive or negative one. Choose to be part of the solution! Go to your State Capitol and talk to legislators and lawmakers. Give media interviews. Write an article for your local newspaper. Contact your local CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) program and insist volunteers have mandatory, on-going education in regard to recognizing Parental Alienation. Also, do not ever think this issue does not affect you or your community. Turning the other way or being silent only condones the child abuser’s actions. Lastly, you should not ever have to tolerate abuse from your adult daughter or son, just to have them in your life. Neither should your other family members be subjected to it.

I proudly celebrate the mother and child bond- the prenatal history that was formed in the womb! Release a balloon today for an abused child...or blow those bubbles! I have prayed today for each and every one of these abused children, and their safe return to their targeted, stable parent. Every kid has the right to a healthy, positive childhood that encompasses love, safety, growth, play and the involvement of both stable, fit parents. Please, help us make it happen.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/what_is_Hostile_Aggressive_Parenting.asp

Maternal Deprivation

2011-04-12T17:53:00.001-07:00

http://batteredmomslosecustody.wordpress.com/2009/02/24/maternal-deprivation-research/

Bubbles Help Eliminate Parental Alienation for Kids - April 25, 2011

2011-04-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

http://www.wfaa.com/good-morning-texas/How-Bubbles-119599814.html

Kids Aiding Parental Alienation Awareness Organization

2011-04-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

http://kapaao.paawareness.org/content.asp?DocID=2&CatID=2

Bubbles Of Love Day DFW... Parental Alienation Awareness Day April 25, 2011

2011-04-04T06:25:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGnKUAaT9wg

If We Love Our Children From A Distance, How Do We Know They Feel Our Love?

2011-03-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

In a day in which parents and children are sometimes forced to love one another from a distance, the non-custodial mother’s question was certainly a valid one. “If we love our children from a distance, how do we know they feel our love?” College educated, the former Primary Caretaker of the child is now living the horror of her child being placed with their abuser. She struggled for answers. The idea of loving her child from a distance was perplexing. She demanded confirmation that her daughter absolutely knows she loves her everyday of her life. In short, she said she does not believe loving from a distance works because we have no guarantee our child feels it.

Is it supposed to “work?” Isn’t loving our children- regardless of the abduction, unfair custody rulings, defaults, interference, false allegations, abuse, distance and years, supposed to come naturally? Our circumstances do not define us. Sure, they can limit and frustrate us. They can cause hatred to grow in our alienated children. Circumstances imposed by the courts, the other parent’s abusive actions and even our adult children, can crush our spirits and rip our hearts to shreds. Still, it does not mean love cannot remain intact in our hearts. We can still love, even if we are separated across the miles. We can still love even if we saw our newborn for a few mere minutes at birth. We can love our children with every fiber of our being in what feels like the most hopeless of circumstances. This is within our control.

It is when we stop loving that we have somehow become inhumane. When we become submissive to the courts, allowing these strangers to chip away at the core of our being and when we allow the infiltration and tainting of our hearts, we have lost a piece of ourselves. It is when we eventually give in to these restrictions that the courts will have successfully chipped away at the core of us. As mothers, fathers, extended family and as human beings, we deserve better. Our children especially deserve family who can love completely.

Do our children really “feel” our love? Some of the greatest things in this world are invisible to the naked eye. People feel the prayers of others…why wouldn’t they feel love from a distance? Sometimes loving in this manner is all we have left. I promise you too, that it is possible to cling to this thread of hope and derive strength from it for many years. In fact, for the rest of our lives, if necessary. Our love for our children may serve as a reason to get out of bed and face each day. It may be the first thing we feel of the morning and the last thing at night.

As humans, it is instinctive - in most of us, to naturally make the best of the worst of circumstances. No matter how we must love, the important thing is that we do it. To not analyze or question...to not be so suspicious that our hearts are more consumed with doubt, anger and revenge than providing pure, nurturing love to our children.

Do not make love difficult. Let it flow. It is so simple...it just requires opening our hearts. This is not as much about the child receiving love and “feeling” it, as it is about us as parents and loved ones, giving the love and having faith it will be felt. Should we really attempt to close down our hearts because we believe the child will not feel our love, anyway? It is important to remember that our love can only be boundless if we allow it to soar.

Do our children feel our love? Perhaps sometimes we are not supposed to know all of the answers. There are certainly no guarantees in this life. There is faith, though- especially faith that our children will feel our visible or invisible presence. That tonight, our child will wish upon the same star in the sky, as us. Or, that tomorrow, a particular song on the radio or picture in an album will remind our daughter or son of us. Instead of wondering if our children feel our love, perhaps it is time to stand firm in our belief that no person or circumstance on this earth, will cause us to doubt our love is not only felt, but reciprocated. If we wonder if our children feel our love, wouldn’t it make sense that our children wonder if we feel theirs?

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A Children's Protective Services insider reveals "secret rules" that Children's Protective Services must follow

2011-03-06T14:50:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arVPZHgTcmA

Is He An Abuser Or An Abuse Expert?

2010-10-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

In the past, actor Alec Baldwin unleashed a volcanic tirade on his daughter and supposedly called her a “rotten little pig…rude, thoughtless, little pig.” In the telephone rage, he told her she did not have the brains or decency as a human being and that her mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass. He used continuous profanity at his daughter who was 11 years old at the time. He then threatened her by yelling he was coming to see her and would “straighten your ass out when I see you.” His tone was dangerous and out of control.

This is the same man who is being hailed by some, as a Parental Alienation expert, of sorts. When people want to bring in the “big guns” they bring in Baldwin. They name drop as if association with him increases their popularity and listening audience, and it makes them more qualified and believed. In short, it is as if they somehow feel his name gives them more credibility.

A friend and I recently chatted about how a parent who abuses their child in this way, turns it all around. How does one go from abusing their child to receiving praise, acceptance and being an “expert?” Do you ever wonder how one abuser is seen as scum of the earth for their abuse and another is seen as an authority? For example, it is interesting to ponder why Baldwin is successful in “turning it around” but Mel Gibson fails. After all, Gibson has abuse allegations and other complicated issues in his life, as well. When we think about it, Gibson is a mega-star and to some, a more popular public figure than Baldwin. I don’t know about Gibson, but Baldwin’s approach was probably not “orchestrated”- that’s too strong of a word, but there was probably some degree of planning.

It starts with a huge apology. Baldwin got caught and nothing he can ever say will change this fact. Who knows if or how many other attacks have occurred like this upon his daughter. Who knows what the ex-wife has done in the past – or if she did something to provoke this incident. Because the other parent may have done something harmful, does not make child abuse acceptable. Baldwin was doomed so there was only one thing he really could do….apologize. He did it from the heart….of course, he’s an actor! Next, he learned (or experienced) enough about Parental Alienation to write a book, and became involved with the cause. He faced the world, did some public appearances and released his book. He became a crusader and people felt sorry for him because they identified with his plight.

People continuously make excuses for his behavior- as if he is not an adult. They reason that his anger was really at the ex-wife so the child “got in the way of that.” They blow it off and say he used poor judgment- after all, we all get angry. They say the courts made him do it which results in playing a huge sympathy card. They say it has been “taken out of context.” They even go so far as to call his antics “discipline.” They blame the child- it’s her fault. They consider the child’s age at the time and reflect upon how they themselves, talk to their teenager. After all, an 11 year old is “almost” a teenager and that is a turbulent time. Let’s get real…how relevant is age when we’re talking abuse? Since the eruption, Baldwin appears invested, dedicated and concerned. He seems humbled. The passing of time has helped. Oh, and it also helps to be a celebrity.

Most parents will tell you that in all of their parenting years- and even after the separation or divorce, it never occurred to them to call their child such degrading names. Let alone, act on it. There is usually a line of human decency. It may be invisible but instinctively, we are aware of its marker. If we have any conscience whatsoever, living with the fact we said such vulgar things to a daughter or son would be tough. The best designer suit, the most suave appearance, and the celebrity status will not really change who we are in our hearts and as human beings. Emmy award winners are not exempt from committing child abuse. Baldwin can practically undo his despicable behavior. Almost. Unfortunately, there is one thing that cannot be erased and that is the echo of his damaging words in his daughter’s memory.

We are going to make mistakes. There are no perfect parents, whether it is Baldwin, a therapist with a Ph.D or you and me. Still, we do not have a green light to abuse, even when there is unfairness in the courts, intense frustration and the ex provokes us. No matter how hard we may try to shift the focus from ourselves to the courts and how unfair we have been treated, we own our behavior. No one else is responsible or to blame for it.

We are either against child abuse or for it. One cannot partially abuse. There is no gray area or in-between, in the crime of child abuse. Effective, proper parenting requires adults to act like, and be, adults. Abuse is not discipline, any more than it is love…not by any stretch of the imagination. Call an abuser, an abuser. If we cannot do this, perhaps we are not fully, completely, protecting our children with every fiber of our being.

The Case Against CASA

2010-09-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

http://nccpr.info/the-case-against-casa/

Financial Incentives and Placing Children into the Care of Abusers

2010-09-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0LILd0wtbU

Wish to file a complaint against a Judge?

2010-08-28T05:56:00.000-07:00

State Judge Unethical Misconduct Complaints
Where to file in each state - free of charge

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/misconduct.php

FERPA - Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act

2010-08-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

With a new school year underway, it is crucial that parents and families read this. FERPA gives parents certain rights with respect to their children's educational records.

http://www2.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/index.html

Alex's Lemonade Stand

2010-07-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.alexslemonade.org/

Alex's Lemonade Stand

Why mention this on a website regarding Parental Alienation? It shows the magnitude and strength of a child's desire and dreams. It is an organization that helps suffering children who are in pain. Children of Parental Abduction and Parental Alienation are also in pain...a perhaps, different kind of pain. It is still pain though, and children should not hurt. Incredible organization....doing amazing things for children! Please support. Thanks.

You are invited...!

2010-07-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

http://familypreservationfestival2010.yolasite.com/
Friday July 23, 2010 to Sunday, July 25, 2010

A closer look at Parental Alienation

2010-07-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/WFive/20091106/w5_divorce_091107/

This video is helpful in explaining Parental Alienation and its dynamics. It is well worth the watch.

2010-06-28T02:59:00.000-07:00

Remembering Juliette Gilbert today on the 3rd anniversary of her death...

2010-06-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

FYI

The Long-Term Effects of Parental Alienation on Adult Children: A Qualitative Research Study

http://www.f4j.com/fileadmin/user_upload/News_Articles/Effects_of_Parental_Alienation.pdf

The More Interaction, The More Potential For Conflict And Drama

2010-05-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

I often hear from parents who wonder if something is wrong with them. They are given advice and since they do not believe they can follow the advice, they feel inadequate. Some say they do not feel strong enough.

“There is no greater gift parents can give their children than to love one another.” Someone, somewhere has probably said this to you. How is a mother- for example, supposed to love her ex who abused her children? Let’s be honest here. Most victims of domestic violence will probably not love their abusers or the abusers of their children, in this lifetime. Besides, wouldn’t it be rather inappropriate to love the person who did this? If you love the abuser is this a validation of sorts to a child, that the abuser is not so bad? Does this send a mixed or confusing message to a child, who was beaten in rage by the abuser, yet sees the other parent showing love to the batterer? If you ever sit before a qualified therapist and say you “love” the person who abused your child, the focus will definitely be on you. It can be viewed as abnormal and inappropriate.

“Never give up!” Tell this to parents who have had an adult daughter or son cuss at them and verbally abuse them on a regular basis. Are parents allowed to “give up” if their abusive adult sons and daughters- who were taught to hate them, present a threat to their safety? Can they “give up” if they are assaulted by their adult child because he or she was taught hate? If a parent gives up because their health is deteriorating, or the drama of the custody battle and false allegations is causing illness, is this ok? How about if the adult children tell the parents they do not want them in their lives? As they say, never is a long time…and it is especially a long time to never give up- on what appears to be hopeless circumstances. How can a person who feels emotionally depleted be expected to never once feel like giving up?

There are many general pieces of advice floating around out there. One size does not fit all, though. We must never forget that each family is individual and unique. There may be similarities in our journeys, however, each of us have varying emotional reserves, temperament and energy. No one else can tell you how to go through your journey and what to do or not do. It is up to you. The good news is that you can take the total advice of others, utilize parts of it or toss it. You still make the ultimate decision for what works for you.

Sometimes the drama must come to a screeching halt. Quit playing. The more interaction, the more potential for conflict and drama. How you forgive and move on is a strength that comes from within you. Perhaps it is rooted in faith. It would make sense to believe it is possible to forgive and move on, without loving your child’s other parent.

The Negative and the Positive...

2010-05-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

People call it P.A. Whether its meaning refers to Parental Abduction or Parental Alienation, the two issues can correlate. They cause harm to children and destroy families.

While it is true that Parental Alienation is the ultimate hate crime and is child abuse, there are things learned. Many of the following scenarios are common dynamics of high-conflict child custody games and drama.

1. You can be set up and you can be provoked. Accept that people will stoop this low.

2. The alienator would love for you to just try to get past him or her to see your children. He will call the police and have you arrested…even if he is the one who has violated the court order. Often, the police do not want involved and will tell you to resolve the issue in Family Court. It is the hostile parent’s dream to make you look unstable. If you are arrested, he will waste no time telling others you are “crazy.” He will especially tell your children.

3. Tape recorders are sometimes utilized during phone conversations.

4. Others may resort to hurting your family members…if it will hurt you. You know if you are the target.

5. The slightest response from you only adds fuel to the fire and continues the game. There are times that silence is golden.

6. In some situations, mothers will obtain custody of their daughter’s children and do a character assassination of their daughter. The problem with playing “mommy” to your grandchildren is that you will not have the opportunity to be in the role of grandma. This also denies the children the honor of knowing you as “grandma.” Grandparents are angels on this earth!

7. If you fear false allegations or what “they” will concoct next, do not put yourself through the stress. If you are afraid to see your grandchild for fear of being falsely accused of something, you must remember to protect yourself. To some, this unfortunately, means not having a relationship with grandchildren from an alienated daughter or son. Yes, it is excruciating…

8. They will tell you they want to work with you. Believe it when you see it.

9. Some adult children assume the roles of their abusers. It is their goal to follow in the abuser’s footsteps. They view it as being powerful and in control. So now, instead of “the battle” being with the ex, it is with the adult children. Nowhere is it written that you have to tolerate abuse from anyone on this earth.

10. Your alienated adult child will tell people about you. Your daughter or son will speak of you with so much information that others will think you saw one another last week. In reality, it may have been 30+ years since you saw one another. The adult child is merely repeating what he or she was told…not something he or she has learned from direct contact with you.

11. Do not sleep with your ex to achieve contact with your child. When your child sees you in the bedroom or upon awakening in the morning- and then has to say good-bye, it sends a confusing, painful, mixed message.

12. Family members will openly post negative things about you on Internet networking sites. It may be something your child reads which will cause harm. Their harassment and lies are not worthy of your time, energy and response.

So goes the game…

Some things to remember:

1. You can love from a distance. You can love your adult children with a boundary in place for your safety. You can pray for them. They are still your children, regardless of the circumstances.

2. You may need to alter your interpretation of “your family.” Unfortunately, not everyone can be involved in your close family if there is risk to you or other family members.

3. Although it is not fun being the bearer of bad news and harsh reality, not all children magically awaken one day and no longer hate. It can require therapy and years of hard work….to diminish the long term effects the alienation caused.

4. In order to move on, most victims need to accept that they were manipulated and they need to confront the dynamics and process of how this was done. To some, it means confronting the fact that their entire childhoods were comprised of lies. Even when this happens, some adult children continue to remain loyal to their abusers.

5. Parents who tell you this is all about your children “coming home” or returning, or who lay guilt on you because you do not see your adult children, probably have never had their adult children cuss at them, stalk them, harass them, be violent and/or put their families at risk. Talk is cheap…let their actions speak to you.

6. You cannot have control over what others choose to do to you, but you can control what you will tolerate. If you do not want to play the game, the good news is that you can just stop playing! Do not be one who has a stroke or heart attack or who dies from the stress. Stress is a killer.

7. Do not participate in alienation or plans for abduction, period. Tell an alienator that their behavior is bizarre and insane. Your silence only condones it. Refuse to participate.

8. There are some people whom you will never be able to “convince” of the truth so stop trying. Often, when God and you know the truth…it is all that matters.

If possible, children deserve quality relationships with both, stable, fit parents. Remember too, that no matter how much you hate your ex, when you look at your child…you are looking at the best of the other parent. You got the best!